Super Magic Rent-a-Cuddle's Automated Answering Service
By Jon Methven

Welcome to Super Magic Rent-a-Cuddle, your premier, state-of-the-art cuddling service. This call may be monitored for quality assurance purposes. Listen closely to the following menu as our options have changed.

Press or say "1" to schedule a cuddle with one of our professionally trained cuddle-certified engineers.

Press or say "2" to change the time of a previously scheduled cuddle.

Press or say "3" if this is a cuddle emergency. A cuddle technician will troubleshoot your problem.

Press or say "4" if you are a new customer and would like to learn more about Super Magic Rent-a-Cuddle.

Okay, got it. You selected "4", learn more. If this is correct say, "Cuddle me happy."

Great, let's get started. Super Magic Rent-a-Cuddle is the first-of-its-kind professional cuddling service. In an unsure world, sometimes you need a dependable cuddle to get by. Unfortunately, we live in a time when lawsuits and basic hygiene prohibit people from engaging in spontaneous cuddle rituals. That's where we come in. Having a bad day? In a long-distance relationship but still require some "us" time without the cheating sex? Feeling insecure, or just having one of those "useless" Mondays? Then give us a call, any time day or night, and we will dispatch a professionally trained cuddle-certified spooner, snuggler or canoodler to your residence, place of business, neighborhood park bench or other location to cuddle you into ecstasy, in 15-minute increments.

What we are not: Super Magic Rent-a-Cuddle is not pay-for-hire sex. You've called the wrong number if you've confused Super Magic Rent-a-Cuddle for one of those 900 numbers that operate under the guise of "escort" services. At no time will sexual gratification – copulation, oral pleasure, bondage, tickling, torture, role play, etc. – be offered during your cuddle. Both parties (client and professionally trained cuddle-certified engineer) will remain fully clothed. If you are looking for that type of attention, Super Magic Rent-a-Cuddle is not for you.

But if you're looking for some quality cuddle time with caring professionals who have perfected the cuddle arts, give us a call today. Our cuddle acrobats are available at the following rates: $35 for 15 minutes, $60 for a half-hour and $110 for the full hour. Please note: We advise clients against sessions longer than one hour as either client or certified cuddler usually fall asleep, or become attached, rendering the cuddle ineffective.

Main menu. To repeat the menu items, press or say "9." Otherwise, make your selection now.

Okay, got it. You selected "1", schedule a cuddle. If this is correct say, "It's incredibly cold where I'm at, please make the nasty lonely go away."

Great, let's get started. Listen closely to the following cuddle options. All are available in male, female or androgynous. Please note: Tipping is discouraged.

Press or say "1" for the Grizzly Cuddle – a heavyset snuggler with multiple layers of epidermis and a sweet disposition who will smother you with warm, secure cuddles.

Press or say "2" for the Fantasy Cuddle – our most popular service! An extremely attractive person, who under normal circumstance would not speak to you, will cater you with cuddly care to remind you that you, too, matter.

Press or say "3" for the Ambiguous Cuddle – for the wild side in you! Is it a man? Is it a woman? Are they happy to meet you? Have you somehow angered this stranger? Is this a cuddle of affection? Or will they suffocate you during your canoodle session? The point is you don't know. And quite honestly, you just don't care anymore.

Press or say "4" for the Crying Cuddle – one of our cuddle connoisseurs will spoon you from behind and weep real tears into the back of your neck, shaking and sobbing you into a literal shoulder to cry on. Feel free to cry along with your cuddle expert, or just lie there and let them confess their darkest secrets and wasted dreams for your cuddling pleasure.

Main menu. To repeat the menu items, press or say "9." Otherwise, make your selection now.

Okay, got it. You selected 3, a cuddle emergency. If this is correct say, "Something very wrong is occurring at my house/apartment/other location."

Great, let's get started. First, we need to determine what type of cuddle emergency you're having.

Press or say "1" if your cuddle has ended and a professionally trained cuddle-certified engineer refuses to leave.

Press or say "2" if you inappropriately encouraged the professionally trained cuddle-certified engineer. This might include tipping, offering food or drugs, asking personal questions, or saying something like, "That was the best cuddle I've ever enjoyed."

Press or say "3" if your partner arrived home to find you cuddling with a professionally trained cuddle-certified engineer.

Press or say "4" if our professionally trained cuddle-certified engineer inadvertently became unclothed during the cuddle session.

Okay, got it. You selected "4", accidental unclothing. This happens all the time, so don't be alarmed.

Great, let's get started. As a precaution we're dispatching our Emergency Cuddle Technician Team to your residence now. In the meantime follow these simple steps:

Step one: Lock yourself in the bathroom. Go now! Go right now! Do not make eye contact with our professionally trained cuddle-certified engineer. Do not wait to hear the second step. Do it now!

Step two: Okay, great. You are safe and secure in your locked bathroom. Now, get the attention of our professionally trained cuddle-certified engineer and let he, she or it know the Emergency Cuddle Technician Team is en route with taser guns.

Step three: Through the locked door, remind our professionally trained cuddle-certified engineer that before we hired him, her or it, they were homeless crack/booze addicts, who had used up the last of their goodwill with friends, family members and colleagues, and who's only fucking job is to lie their lazy, good-for-nothing asses in a bed and hug strangers for an average of two hour a day – that's a 10-hour workweek, which allows them to bankroll their addictions while essentially providing very little in the way of productive service to this economy – and that we, too, will turn our backs on them within the hour if they don't re-cloth themselves promptly and vacate your premises.

Step four: We will now transfer you to our legal department. Stay on the phone if you would like to waste your and our time. But you did sign a release form. And nobody forced you to contact us in the first place to solicit a cuddle with a stranger, freak.

Our Emergency Cuddle Technician Team is currently servicing another client. Thank you for calling Super Magic Rent-a-Cuddle, please try again later. We appreciate your business and look forward to servicing your future cuddle needs.

——

Jon Methven lives in New York City, where along with imaginary mentors Mark Twain and John Lennon, the three are developing a telepathic technique to mindfully manipulate the publishing industry to their whims. Efforts to date have been largely unsuccessful.

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