Lesser-known American Idol Auditions
By Jon Methven

Idol contestant: Bob Dylan
Song: “Blowin' in the Wind”
Simon Cowell: Forget how many roads a man must walk down. How many of your nasally lyrics can a man actually understand? It's a no for me I'm afraid. Paula, yes or no?
Paula Abdul: Robert, you're a spiritual, deep ….
Simon: Paula, he was worse than William Hung. Yes or no?
Paula: It's not right for this competition, honey.
Simon: I mean all the talk about white doves and cannonballs. It's like one of those coffee shop communists, where everyone in the audience knows as soon as the show ends the poet will off himself in the alley. Randy, yes or no.
Randy Jackson: The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind. Unfortunately, that answer is no, dawg.

Idol contestant: Stevie Wonder
Song: “I Just Called To Say I Love You”
Simon: No New Year's Day, no April rain, no flowers bloom, no trip to Hollywood. Paula, yes or no?
Paula: I admire your courage, Steven. It takes a strong character to …
Simon: The name of this show is American Idol, not American Invalid. Quite honestly the head waving and weird smiling just creeps me out.
Randy: Yo dawg, check it – Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Stoddard, Fantasia Barrino, Carrie Underwood, Taylor Hicks. You know the one thing they all had in common? They could all see, dawg. Viewers always vote for contestants who can see, but not once have they voted for a blind dawg, dawg. Here's some advice. Find yourself a singing coach and a healthy donor. Get some vocal lessons and a double corneal transplantation followed by some optic nerve reconstruction. Then come back next year and audition again, dawg.

Idol contestant: Elvis Presley
Song: “Hound Dog”
Simon: What the hell was that?
Paula: I'll have sex with you right now.
Randy: Yo dawg, I dig the dawg reference in the "Hound Dog" song dawg, but it's a no for me, dawg.
Simon: Leave the hound dog out of it. You ain't nothing but a drunken karaoke performer in a bad wigger outfit. And what's with all the hip and lip gyrations?
Randy: Yeah, white dawg, what's up with the lips?
Paula: I loved his hips.
Simon: You're a slut, Paula. And you might be slightly retarded, Randy.

Idol contestant: Michael Jackson
Song: “Billie Jean”
Simon: Get the fuck out right now, freak.
Paula: You complete me.
Randy: Oh shit, dawg.

Idol contestants: The Beatles
Song: “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da”
Simon: Ob-La-holy hell we've seen it all now.
Paula: Awwww…. It's like four little Clay Aikens with better haircuts.
Randy: Yo dawgs, what's up with the name “Beatles”?
Simon: You can't sing. Clearly you don't know the first thing about songwriting. Better for the entire music industry if you four find work in a factory. Paula: Nothing sexier than a sweaty factory worker at the end of a long day.
Randy: By the way, you'll never make it with a name like “The Beatles”. What about “The Dawgs”?

——

Jon Methven lives in New York City, where along with imaginary mentors Mark Twain and John Lennon, the three are developing a telepathic technique to mindfully manipulate the publishing industry to their whims. Efforts to date have been largely unsuccessful.

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