Johnny McNulty's "Just-In-Case" Presidential Acceptance Speech
By Johnny McNulty

Wow.

(Applause)

Thank you.

(Applause)

Thank you. Thank you.

(Applause)

First of all. First of all, I would like to congratulate Senators McCain and Obama for their hard-fought campaigns.

(Boos)

Now, now, let's be fair. They both conducted themselves superbly, and they are both admirable Americans: a true war hero and a dedicated community leader. They both embody the civil virtues that make America great.

(Scattered claps)

Now, to be fair, unlike the Senators, I never actually ran for the presidency.

(Raucous cheering)

I understand this, to a large degree, was part of my appeal. When the newspapers and the pollsters asked you “Why do you like Johnny so much,” you responded, in a loud, clear voice, with answers like: “his humility”

(Applause)

“He's an outsider who can change Washington”

(Applause)

“He's not running for President”

(Applause)

“He's Constitutionally unable to serve due to his age.”

(Applause)

“He doesn't want to be President at all.”

(Wild, savage cheering)

Now, if I could focus on that point for a just a second. I understand your hunger for someone who isn't craving power…

(Applause)

…please, if you'd just let me get through a thought…anyway, a man who isn't craving power, or hasn't been turned into a cunning political animal

(Applause)

…Yes, thank you, I appreciate it, but if you could just hold off for a second… I understand, furthermore, that desire to elect someone who isn't part of, or an instrument of, the left- and right- wing crazies who think because they speak the loudest, they speak the truest.

(Applause)

And I understand that I must have seemed like that man.

(Applause)

STOP APPLAUDING! Thank you. Sorry for making your baby cry. That's because I'm just a normal man.

(Isolated claps)

Honestly, I'm sorry for yelling before, but stop it. I don't want to be president.

(Silence)

Ok, this is awkward, you can start applauding again.

(Applause)

Thank you. I look out on this crowd today, and I see men and women of all backgrounds, united. I see America as I have too few times in my life: united with purpose, united with hope, secure in our ideals. I just have no idea what any of this has to do with me.

(Applause)

I don't have any experience, policy positions, or ideas for my cabinet. Let's face it, though, that hasn't stopped anyone before. But outside of my public life, which just started today, I have a lot of stuff going on that I can't just drop and become President for.

(From the crowd: “Like what?”)

I just started seeing this girl, and I think she's really cool, and I'd like to see where that is heading.

(Girlfriend in crowd: “Hey sweetie! It's me! I'm totally fine with you being President!” - Applause)

Thank you, Emily. Ladies and gentlemen, my girlfriend Emily, without whom I could never have not run for President. But c'mon, I'm 22, what if I mess everything up?

(From the crowd: “What if McCain or Obama messes everything up?”)

Um. Okay. Well you've got me there.

(Applause)

Our Founding Fathers knew that the ambition of men was a dangerous but powerful force. So they wrote the Constitution, which harnessed that power in the federal system of checks and balances. Among their smarter ideas was a little one saying you had to be 35 to be President. So, you see, I'm afraid I have you there: I can't be President, it's Constitutionally impossible until I'm 35. Again, thank you very much, but go home now, and drive safe.

(“Johnny! It's me, Antonin Scalia! The Court rules that we're cool with it. Whooo!! Johnny!!!” – Scalia flashes crowd)

Thank you. Antonin Scalia everybody. Say what you will about his opinions, he's a terrific public speaker. Okay. Well. Let's just say, hypothetically, that I refused to serve? What would happen then?

(“You would pick a Vice President and he would be President”)

Well, I don't want to just pick a President, that's rather undemocratic.

(Applause – “So then the Speaker of the House would be President”)

Huh….eh. No. That would just lead to a lot of people being pissed off at me, I think.

(“We could have another election at a massive cost to the public and the risk that they pick someone worse.”)

My fellow Americans, I am honored to serve as your President.

(Applause)

And I will hold this against each and every one of you as long as I live.

——

Johnny McNulty is a writer and performer living in New York City. He is a contributer to The Onion and 23/6, and he was formerly a freelance writer for Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update. His essays can be found on The Dopple Gang, which he co-founded with two fellow writers, Mike Weingarth and Chris Van Orden, and he has also written for McSweeney's, College Humor, and The Campus Word.

Johnny also performs improv regularly in New York, and he was trained at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. His teams include the UCB Cagematch champs Fat Penguin, the PIT Project team Kid Friendly, and the indie team Snacktime.

You can reach Johnny at johnnynulty@gmail.com with emails full of money and job offers.

This piece first appeared in The Dopple Gang.

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