A Few Disclaimers Essential to a Proper Reading
By Aharon Levy

Not all parts of the memoir you are about to read have been experienced as described. Accounts and descriptions herein, including those marked as nonfiction, may be fiction. "My life" should be understood to refer to my life, the lives of neighbors, the imaginary lives of members of my high school's varsity football team and junior varsity swim team, as well as the lives of certain Arctic explorers whose own life accounts have almost certainly entered the public domain.

Colors may vary from depiction on cover. Certain characters described as African-American, including Daddy Sugar, Queen MoMo Booty and Dr. Shabazzbazz, may in fact have been Caucasian and/or not doctors and/or not royalty. The important life lessons these characters imparted through sex, song and dance, however, are true and deep. Certain other characters may vary from descriptions, including but not limited to the state senator and important business leader who raped me. This character may have actually worked at the Dunkin' Donuts and been perfectly nice, although kind of creepy with the constant Star Wars references.

Being locked in a closet by my sister for thirty-two days is a composite of events in which some details have been changed. I do not have a sister. In all references to the New York Times, the word reporter should be replaced with the word subscriber. Being orphaned shall be understood to include being left by my parents at the mall past closing time due to a mix-up. Being adopted by an abusive family of dog herders shall be understood to mean being let out the side exit by an annoyed security guard.

In the context of this memoir, overcoming obstacles may refer to not attempting to overcome obstacles, and so not being defeated by them. Overcoming obstacles may also refer to having obstacles bribed by my Uncle Howard. Uncle Howard's name has not been altered, although the source of his fortune has been edited from inheritance to the playing of high-stakes Russian roulette.

The Nazi of The Mountains is a composite character, and no offense was intended to the Swiss nation or people. Mentions of the number of times intercourse is engaged in during a 24- hour period shall be understood to include incidents of masturbation, and the number of sexual partners shall be understood to include hands, doilies, and pancake batter dispensers.

The Golem's legal counsel has informed me that it has no record of its client rising from the primordial mud to come to my defense. I was illiterate until the age of four, not 24. I regret this printer's error on the jacket copy and in the headings and contents of chapters 18 and 26. The words and phrases alcoholic, heroin addict and compulsive online Scrabble player should be understood to be interchangeable.

Please enjoy my memoir, and learn from it.

——

Aharon Levy is an occasionally-published, infrequently-fellowshipped, seldom-paid screen- and fiction writer. He lives in Brooklyn, New York, among many others of his kind, and can be found on Facebook.

This piece first appeared in Opium magazine.

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