Twenty Important Things to Know About Teaching Freshman Composition
By Andrew Neuendorf

1. Last night's episode of "The Real World" is more important than Thoreau. Get over it.
2. Teach them to prioritize their thinking. After all, the ice caps will melt before Jesus returns.
3. Young people are pro-gay, but they don't vote. They think voting is gay.
4. A racist paper written in iambic pentameter is fun to read, but deserves an F.
5. Choice of font should count for 20%.
6. Learn to say, "No, no, no, no, no….because I am smarter than you."
7. Have favorites. Grade accordingly. God does it. Why not you?
8. A plagiarism contest is a really good idea. Be warned though: they'll cheat.
9. The English sentence is fascist. Teach them to be Mussolini.
10. If they insist on being Republicans, at least teach them about libertarianism.
11. Whoever says English teachers are too political is a fascist.
12. There are no dumb questions, except, "Are there dumb questions?" That's dumb.
13. The Holocaust happened. We landed on the moon. Everything else is up for grabs.
14. Make sure they know that Hell is a stupid concept.
15. Once they're deconstructing bathroom stall graffiti, you've got them.
16. Make sure to disseminate the homosexual agenda.
17. A lot can be learned from studying the narrative arc of VH1's "Behind the Music."
18. Explain the concept of grading with the agricultural metaphor of your choice.
19. Make sure to find out the school policy on showing the Paris Hilton sex tape as a historical document.
20. Expect to see a record number of funerals.

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Andrew Neuendorf collects generic cereal boxes. His favorites are "Crispy Hexagons" (a version of Crispex) and "Frosting-Coated Wheat Capsules" (Frosted Mini-Wheats). Recently, his writing has appeared on McSweeney's Internet Tendency and News Groper. His prose poems are forthcoming in Quarter After Eight and In Posse Review. In the past, his work has appeared in Northwest Review, Sentence, Measure, Double Room, Effing Magazine, and Kadar Koli.

You can find him waxing and musing on his blog, Ape and Coffee, http://apeandcoffee.blogspot.com. He teaches freshman composition and world literature from an undisclosed location.

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