Five Ways to Recession-Proof Your House
By Charles Frisbie

This recession has been tough on everyone, and it's probably going to get worse before it gets better. The stock market is dropping like a stone, and the unemployment rate is skyrocketing like a rocket. It's hard not to be a little uncertain about what the future holds. With that in mind, here are some tips to recession-proof your home and help you weather the harsh financial climate.

1. Add heavy metal doors, bar the windows.
When the class system breaks down and the unwashed masses arrive on your doorstep, you want to be prepared. It's wise to invest in some heavy metal security doors for your house before the collapse of civilization. After the downfall of society items such as these will undoubtedly become much more expensive, so consider it a good investment. Metal bars to bar your windows are also a good idea, unless you want the fetid, hungry rabble bursting into your house like a raging SWAT team. Boarding up your windows with plywood is a cheaper but less effective alternative. The desperate can be surprisingly resourceful, and much like zombies, have a knack for slithering through incomplete barriers.

2. Locate a spring/dig a well under house.
With a spring and/or well in your basement, you are one step closer to being able to last a long siege once society crumbles. This also prevents the diseased hordes from polluting your precious cistern with their diseased corpses. I know that's something that keeps me up at night. A well will also help cut down on your water bill in the meantime. Along those lines, consider taking shorter showers.

3. Buy compact fluorescent light bulbs.
These bulbs are comparable to the price of regular bulbs, but they last much longer and use a whole lot less electricity. Fluorescent bulbs are a great way to save money without having to alter your lifestyle. Also consider buying power strips for any electronic devices that you can shut off at night. Computers and other some other technologies draw electricity even when they are "turned off," inflating your electric bill.

4. Grow corn on the roof.
If there is one thing that I have learned from the Incan civilization, and I have learned precisely one thing, it is this: Terracing. Works. Period. I am not sure on the mechanics of the whole thing, but I think that at the end of the day you should be able to grow corn on your roof. Having a "roof farm" saves both time and money as well as making you eligible for certain tax breaks and government programs. You may also want to consider moving your house to a cliff face in a rain forest of some kind (not Seattle).

5. Create your own personal Fort Knox.
In times of economic uncertainty money usually flows from financial instruments such as stocks and bonds into gold, which many individuals see as a safe place to store their wealth. Thinking along those lines, you should trade everything you own for gold, even your car (unless it happens to also be made of gold). Preferably this gold should be in bar form and stored in your basement in some type of vault. Many experts agree that the current monetary system will collapse within six to eighteen months, and warlords are not going to accept your precious Hummel figurines as bribes. A healthy stockpile of gold will insure your financial stability into the next century.

Many people are frightened of the current recession and its uncertainties but if you follow these tips you have no reason to worry. With a little luck and some deft maneuvering, you should be able to secure a position as a mid-level vassal in the fast-approaching feudal society that will replace our current, inferior one.

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Charles Frisbie lives in Chicago and writes about sports on company time here: http://unbearsabull.blogspot.com.

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